Seeing demons

Por: Ángel Perdomo

Just like Alex himself, his demon is not the same every day.

That morning Alex could feel the insides of his eyes rub against his eyeballs, sandpaper against dry flesh. Alex dragged his lethargic body from under the sweat-drenched covers. He took a deep breath and braced himself for the light before switching them on. There it was, hunched above him: his demon. A shadow, its full shape impossible for Alex to understand, exact for its pale melting face, dark empty eye sockets, and what looked to Alex like a screaming mouth. No sound. 

Everyone has a demon, some people even have several, that much Alex has learnt in his 16 years of life. Not all of them are as creepy as his, in fact the only demon he can’t clearly see is his own. He knows it did not always look like it does now, but he can’t remember how it used to look. 

The first demons he saw were his parents’. They had a collection of them shifting in and out of view, in a cycle. He would see them morph and change, and see how his parents responded accordingly. A change in demons always followed a change in  moods and attitudes. This meant that unfortunately he almost always knew what was coming. 

That morning his parents’ demons were different. His father’s demon was looking similar to his own, hunched, pale, but he was able to fully perceive it. It looked like a feeble man, extremely thin. It looked small and full of cracks, as if it were made out of dust. His demon had its eyes closed, softly weeping while giving a forced smile. 

“Hey sport!” He said to Alex in what was his usual cheery tone. “How did you sleep”

It was not unusual for his demons to sometimes look a bit sad. Alex had seen before this depressive type of demon around his father. 

“Alright, I guess,” Alex answered. “I need some eye drops.”

His mother’s demon was different today, completely new. It looked exactly like her. Its  unsettling expressionless eyes looked through you, fixed on somewhere far from there. He did not understand why, but it scared him. 

Seeing both of their demons next to each other made his heart ache. He could not string his thoughts together. He suddenly felt even more drained. He wanted to crawl back to bed. Alex smiled and said good morning to his parents. 

They talked. They were getting a divorce. He did not understand, and he felt like he should. 

Life continued without much change to his routine. They still had breakfast together most days, they still went out as a family – not that they did it much before. The first significant change came 6 months after that morning. His father was moving out. His demon looked as sad and  disheveled as it did 6 months ago. His mother’s demon had changed its shape. A new burden unwilling to pity his father. It was something between anger and sadness. 

Not long after his father moved out Alex met Cleo, his first love and girlfriend. The ability to see her demon gave him confidence, and for the first time he was able to see more than the negative demons of others. He was able to see its shape change, he could sense its warmth, it was beautiful. He thought this is what must have inspired the Greek muses. He felt loved and it did not last.  

One day, not even a year after he and Cleo started dating, he saw it. The same empty eyes, blank expression. He had a name for it: Apathy. Alex knew what was coming. 

He left her before she could leave him. 

Thalia was Alex’s next “love of his life.” She was stunning, she was kind and charming and  like Cleo he was able to see her demons emote positive emotions. He felt they were great, better than great, a perfect symphony. They were blooming, in synchrony, and they were growing together. 

They began dating when they were around 18 years old. Both of them were freshmen at the same university. It took two years for Alex to start seeing the signs of Apathy in Thalia. During his third year, Alex started working at a restaurant waiting tables. Every week he was seeing Thalia less and less. They argued, mostly over small things that escalated further than needed, their fights were fueled by tiredness and the accumulated stress of life. Eventually, he left her.

Alex knew love, and he stumbled into it again and again.  Every time, he came face to face with Apathy. 

To Alex’s eyes everyone was burdened with something. For most, if not all, people this was a dark miasma. The better he knew that person the clearer the shape. Most of the time, this miasma took some grotesque form resembling a creature. Most people’s demons were humanoid in shape, but ones resembling an animal were not that rare. There was also the case of people he fell in love with. In the case of these people he could see more than their dark feelings but also their happiness, their joy. A different type of demon, radiant, and undoubtedly positivity. What he had never seen before was a demon that did not emanate a negative or positive aura. That’s what caught his attention about her, and why he felt he had to talk to her. Her demon looked like a frame for a mirror.   

Minerva was a shop assistant. She was 28 years old when she met Alex; he was 29. 

“Hey! Sorry, could you help me?” Alex asked while tapping Minerva on the shoulder. “I’m trying to pick clothes for a girl, but I’m a bit lost.”

“Yeah! No problem,” Minerva replied with a smile. “What were you thinking?”

“Maybe something formal,” Alex replied. “A suit-type-thing.”

“How old is she?” Minerva asked. “Do you know her size?”

“Mmm… To be honest I don’t know, it is for my cousin,” Alex said. “I think she is the same size as me.”

“We might have something,” Minerva said, inviting him to follow her with a hand gesture. “What do you think about these?”

“Mmm,” Alex muttered, unsure of where to begin.

“Do you want to try them on?” Minerva asked in a joking tone. “It might help you.”

“Maybe,” Alex chuckled while holding a pair of trousers over his own. “Do you think I have the hips for it?”

They laughed, and Alex left the shop with a present, Minerva’s Instagram, and a coffee date for that weekend. A first date turned into a second, a third, a fourth and a relationship after a couple months. Just like that, another two years went by. 

Alex was at one of those turning points in life, working too hard, looking for a promotion. He started little projects here and there that just never seemed to flourish. Minerva was also thinking of switching jobs after years of working retail. Things weren’t bad, but they were not good enough for Alex. He was frustrated and like he came to expect, every time life got hard, he saw Apathy again. It was there in the mirror, wearing a patchwork version of his face, pieces of flesh coming undone at the seams. That was his demon.  

One day, when they were sitting over morning coffee, Alex suddenly said out of the blue: “I want to break up.”

Minerva looked up from her steaming coffee with a confused expression. “Sorry?”

“I want to break up. I don't think things are working out.” Alex saw her demon quickly show rage, then switch to sadness, settling into some undefined shape, always inside the frame her demon formed. Minerva’s face was not showing any emotion in particular. She took a deep breath and asked, “Is it okay if I ask why?”

“Look,” Alex started. “I know how this is gonna go. I've been here enough times. I can’t do this.” 

“So, this has nothing to do with me,” She said more than posing it as a question.

Alex did not have an answer. It had nothing to do with her. “It's just hard, okay. I’m just going to fail you. My heart is not in it.” The frame of her demon started to show his reflection. 

“Alex,” Minerva said calmly. “I know life is hard right now. I know things have been tense, life is being a pain in the ass and shit ain’t going your way. Tough shit, I get it. I really do. But here’s the deal: You don’t get better by letting things go. Life is about learning to deal with life alongside others. If you want to go on alone, that’s okay, but I love you and I don’t want you to throw what we have away without seeing it the whole way through.”

Alex was stunned. In the past he could see a sense of peace come over his previous partners' demons when he broke up with them, and he would feel the same. Part of him thought that it would grant him some peace with Minerva as well. It did not. He could feel his eyes watering, his chest was aching. He wanted to have control over something. A choice of his own. He felt small and pathetic. He saw his demon crystal clear. It was not Apathy. It was a small crying child crawling into a ball. He was crying onto Minerva’s chest. He held onto her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you.” It was her first time seeing him like this. She knew he was struggling. “I love you too,” she said, and held him.